按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
‘good。 well； don’t。“
i thought that was that。 we both took another drag on our cigarettes and i prepared to lapse back into silence； but after exhaling； he spoke again。 “i don’t want to touch emmeline。”
i heard him。 i heard what he said。 that curious little intonation。 i heard what he meant。
i took a drag of my cigarette and didn’t look at him。 slowly i exhaled。 i didn’t look at him。
‘she’s kinder than you are；“ he said。
my cigarette wasn’t even half finished； but i stubbed it out。 i strode to the kitchen door and flung it open。
in the doorway he paused level with me。 i stood stiffly； staring straight ahead at the buttons on his shirt。
his adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed。 his voice was a murmur。 “be kind； adeline。”
stung to anger i lifted my eyes up； meaning to fire daggers at him。 but i was startled by the tenderness in his face。 for a moment i was… confused。
he took advantage。 raised his hand。 was about to stroke my cheek。
but i was quicker。 i raised my fist； lashed his hand away。
i didn’t hurt him。 i couldn’t have hurt him。 but he looked bewildered。 disappointed。
and then he was gone。
the kitchen was very empty after that。 the missus was gone。 john was gone。 now even the boy was gone。
‘i’ll help you；“ he had said。 but it was impossible。 how could a boy like him help me？ how could anybody help me？
the sheet was covered in orange hair。 i was walking on hair and hair was stuck to my shoes。 all the old dye had been cut away； the sparse tufts that clung to miss winter’s scalp were pure white。
i took the towel away and blew the stray bits of hair from the back of her neck。
‘give me the mirror；“ miss winter said。
i handed her the looking glass。 with her hair shorn； she looked like a grizzled child。
she stared at the glass。 her eyes met her own； naked and somber； and she looked at herself for a long time。 then she put the mirror； glass side down； on the table。
‘that is exactly what i wanted。 thank you； margaret。“
i left her； and when i went back to my room i thought about the boy。 i thought about him and adeline； and i thought about him and emmeline。 then i thought about aurelius； found as an infant； wearing an old…fashioned garment and wrapped in a satchel； with a spoon from angelfield and a page of jane eyre。 i thought about it all at length； but for all my thinking； i did not arrive at any conclusion。
one thing did occur to me； though； in one of those unfathomable side steps of the mind。 i remembered what it was aurelius had said the last time i was at angelfield： “i just wish there was someone to tell me the truth。” and i found its echo： “tell me the truth。” the boy in the brown suit。 now； that would explain why the banbury herald had no record of the interview their young reporter had gone to yorkshire for。 he wasn’t a reporter at all。 it was aurelius all along。
。。
RAIN AND CAKE
；小；说；〃；网
the next day i woke to it： today； today； today。 a tolling bell only i could hear。 the twilight seemed to have penetrated my soul； i felt an unearthly weariness。 my birthday。 my deathday。
judith brought a card from my father with the breakfast tray。 a picture of flowers； his habitual； vaguely worded greetings and a note。 he hoped i was well。 he was well。 he had some books for me。 should he send them？ my mother had not signed the card； he had signed it for both of them。 love from dad and mother。 it was all wrong。 i knew it and he knew it； but what could anyone do？
judith came。 “miss winter says would now… ？”
i slid the card under my pillow before she could see it。 “now would be fine；” i said； and picked up my pencil and pad。
‘have you been sleeping well？“ miss winter wanted to know； and then； ”you look a little pale。 you don’t eat enough。“
‘i’m fine；“ i assured her； though i wasn’t。
all morning i struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another。 do you know the feeling when you start reading a new book before the membrane of the last one has had time to close behind you？ you leave the previous book with ideas and themes—characters even—caught in the fibers of your clothes； and when you open the new book； they are still with you。 well； it was like that。 all day i had been prey to distractions。 thoughts； memories； feelings； irrelevant fragments of my own life； playing havoc with my concentration。
miss winter was telling me about something when she interrupted herself。 “are you listening to me； miss lea？”
i jerked out of my reverie and fumbled for an answer。 had i been listening？ i had no idea。 at that moment i couldn’t have told her what she had been saying； though i’m sure that somewhere in my mind there was a place where it was all recorded。 but at the point when she jerked me out of myself； i was in a kind of no…man’s…land； a place between places。 the mind plays all sorts of tricks； gets up to all kinds of things while we ourselves are slumbering in a white zone that looks for all the world like inattention to the onlooker。 lost for words； i stared at her for a minute； while she grew more and more irritated； then i plucked at the first coherent sentence that presented itself to me。
‘have you ever had a child； miss winter？“
‘good lord； what a question。 of course i haven’t。 have you gone mad； girl？“
‘emmeline； then？“
‘we have an agreement； do we not？ no questions？“ and then； changing her expression； she bent forward and scrutinized me closely。 ”are you ill？“
‘no； i don’t think so。“
‘well； you are clearly not in your right mind for work。“
it was a dismissal。
back in my room i spent an hour bored； unsettled； plagued by myself。 i sat at my desk； pencil in hand； but did not write； felt cold and turned the radiator up； then； too hot； took my cardigan off。 i’d have liked a bath； but there was no hot water。 i made cocoa and put extra sugar in it； then the sweetness nauseated me。 a book？ would that do it？ in the library the shelves were lined with dead words。 nothing there could help me。
there came a dash of raindrops； scattering against the window； and my heart leaped。 outside。 yes； that w