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jane eyre。 i was suddenly dry…mouthed。
‘all you have to do is shoot。 i won’t tell。 no one need ever know。“ she waited。 ”they’ve started to fall。 just the first few。 but there are a lot of copies。 you have a moment to make up your mind。“
i rubbed my thumb nervously against a rough edge of nail on my middle finger。
‘they’re falling faster now。“
she did not remove her gaze from me。
‘half of them gone。 think； margaret。 all of jane eyre will soon have disappeared forever。 think。“
miss winter blinked。
‘two thirds gone。 just one person； margaret。 just one tiny； insignificant little person。“
i blinked。
‘still time； but only just。 remember； this person burns books。 does he really deserve to live？“
blink。 blink。
‘last chance。“
blink。 blink。 blink。
jane eyre was no more。
“margaret！” miss winter’s face twisted in vexation as she spoke； she beat her left hand against the arm of her chair。 even the right hand； injured though it was； twitched in her lap。
later； when i transcribed it； i thought it was the most spontaneous expression of feeling i had ever seen in miss winter。 it was a surprising amount of feeling to invest in a mere game。
and my own feelings？ shame。 for i had lied。 of course i loved books more than people。 of course i valued jane eyre over the anonymous stranger with his hand on the lever。 of course all of shakespeare was worth more than a human life。 of course。 unlike miss winter； i had been ashamed to say so。
on my way out； i returned to the shelf of jane eyres and took the one volume that met my criteria。 right age； right kind of paper； right typeface。 in my room i turned the pages till i found the place。
‘… not at first aware what was his intention； but when i saw him lift and poise the book and stand in act to hurl it； i instinctively started aside with a cry of alarm—not soon enough however； the volume was flung； it hit me； and i fell； striking my head against the door and cutting it。
the book was intact。 not a single page was missing。 this was not the volume aurelius’s page had been torn from。 but in any case； why should it be？ if his page had e from angelfield—if it had—then it would have burned with the rest of the house。
for a time i sat doing nothing； only thinking of jane eyre and a library and a furnace and a house fire； but no matter how i bined and rebined them； i could not make sense of it。
the other thing i remember from this time was the incident of the photograph。 a small parcel appeared with my breakfast tray one morning； addressed to me in my father’s narrow handwriting。 it was my photographs of angelfield； i had sent him the canister of film； and he had had it developed for me。 there were a few clear pictures from my first day： brambles growing through the wreckage of the library； ivy snaking its way up the stone staircase。 i halted at the picture of the bedroom where i had e face…to…face with my ghost； over the old fireplace there was only the glare of a flashbulb reflected。 still； i took it out of the bundle and tucked it inside the cover of my book； to keep。
the rest of the photographs were from my second visit； when the weather had been against me。 most of them were nothing but puzzling positions of murkiness。 what i remembered was shades of gray overlaid with silver； the mist moving like a veil of gauze； my own breath at tipping point between air and water。 but my camera had captured none of that； nor was it possible in the dark smudges that interrupted the gray to make out a stone； a wall； a tree or a forest。 after half a dozen such pictures； i gave up looking。 stuffing the wad of photos in my cardigan pocket； i went downstairs to the library。
we were about halfway through the interview when i became aware of a silence。 i was dreaming。 lost； as usual； in her world of childhood twinship。 i replayed the sound track of her voice； recalled a changed tone； the fact that she had addressed me； but could not recall the words。
‘what？“ i said。
‘your pocket；“ she repeated。 ”you have something in your pocket。“
‘oh… it’s some photographs…“ in that limbo state halfway between a story and your life； when you haven’t caught up with your wits yet； i mumbled on。 ”angelfield；“ i said。
by the time i returned to myself； the pictures were in her hands。
at first she looked closely at each one； straining through her glasses to make sense of the blurred shapes。 as one indecipherable image followed another； she let out a small vida winter sigh； one that implied her low expectations had been amply fulfilled； and her mouth tightened into a critical line。 with her good hand she began to flick through the pile of pictures more cursorily； to show that she no longer expected to find anything of interest； she tossed each one after the briefest glance onto the table at her side。
i was mesmerized by the discarded photos landing at a regular rhythm on the table。 they formed a messy sprawl on the surface； flopping on top of each other and gliding over each other’s slippery surfaces with a sound like useless； useless； useless。
then the rhythm came to a halt。 miss winter was sitting with intent rigidity； holding up a single picture and studying it with a frown。 she’s seen a ghost； i thought。 then； after a long moment； pretending not to feel my gaze upon her； she tucked the photo behind the remaining dozen and looked at the rest； tossing them down just as before。 when the one that had arrested her attention resurfaced； she barely glanced at it but added it to the others。 “i wouldn’t have been able to tell it was angelfield； but if you say so…” she said icily； and then； in an apparently artless movement； she picked up the whole pile and； holding them toward me； dropped them。
‘my hand。 do excuse me；“ she murmured as i bent down to retrieve the pictures； but i wasn’t deceived。
and she picked up her story where she had left it。
later i looked through the pictures again。 for all that the dropping of the photos had muddled the order； it wasn’t difficult to tell which one had struck her so forcefully。 in the bundle of blurred gray images there was really only one that stood out from the rest。 i s