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g adeline while they were awake； i hardly slept at all。 how peaceful it was in the room。 emmeline’s breathing； slowing me down； relaxing me。 and alongside it； the light touch of air that was the baby breathing。 i remember listening to them； the harmony of it； thinking how tranquil it was； thinking of a way of describing it—that was how i always entertained myself； the putting into words of things i saw and heard—and i thought i would have to describe how the breathing seemed to penetrate me； take over my breath； as though we were all part of the same thing； me and emmeline and our baby； all three one breath。 it took hold of me； this idea； and i felt myself drifting off with them； into sleep。
something woke me。 like a cat i was alert before i ever had my eyes open。 i didn’t move； kept my breathing regular； and watched adeline from between my lashes。
she bent over the cot； lifted the baby and was on her way out of the room。 i could have called out to stop her。 but i didn’t。 if i had cried out； she would have postponed her plan； whereas by letting her go on with it； i could find out what she intended and put a stop to it once and for all。 the baby stirred in her arms。 he was thinking about waking up。 he didn’t like to be in anyone’s arms but emmeline’s； and a baby is not taken in by a twin。
i followed her downstairs to the library and peeped through the door that she had left ajar。 the baby was on the desk； next to the pile of books that were never reshelved because i reread them so frequently。 next to their neat rectangle i saw movement in the folds of the baby’s blanket。 i heard his muffled half grunts。 he was awake。
kneeling by the fireside was adeline。 she took coals from the scuttle； logs from their place by the hearth； and deposited them haphazardly in the fireplace。 she did not know how to make a proper fire。 i had learned from the missus the correct arrangement of paper； kindling； coals and logs； adeline’s fires were wild and random affairs that ought not to burn at all。
the realization of what she intended slowly unfolded in me。 she would not succeed； would she？ there was only a shadow of warmth in the ashes； not enough to relight coals or logs； and i never left kindling or matches in reach。 hers was a mad fire； it couldn’t catch； i knew it couldn’t。 but i could not reassure myself。 her desire for flames was all the kindling she needed。 all she had to do was look at something for it to spark。 the incendiary magic she possessed was so strong she could set fire to water if she wanted to badly enough。
in horror i watched her place the baby on the coals； still wrapped in his blanket。
then she looked about the room。 what was she after？ when she made for the door and opened it； i jumped back into the shadows。 but she had not discovered my spying。 it was something else she was after。 she turned into the passage under the stairs and disappeared。
i ran to the fireplace and removed the baby from the pyre。 i trapped his blanket quickly around a moth…eaten bolster from the chaise lounge and put it on the coals in his place。 but there was no time to flee。 i heard steps on the stone flags； a dragging noise that was the sound of a petrol can scraping on the floor； and the door opened just as i stepped back into one of the library bays。
hush； i prayed silently； don’t cry now； and i held the infant close to my body so he would not miss the warmth of his blanket。
back at the fireplace； head on one side； adeline surveyed her fire。 what was wrong？ had she noticed the change？ but it appeared not。 she looked around the room。 what was it she wanted？
the baby stirred； a jerk of the arms； a kick of the legs； a tensing of e backbone that is so often the precursor to a wail。 i resettled him； ：ad heavy on my shoulder； i felt his breath on my neck。 don’t cry。 ease don’t cry。 he was still again； and i watched。
my books。 on the desk。 the ones i couldn’t pass without opening at random； for the pleasure of a few words； a quick hello。 how incongruous to see them in her hands。 adeline and books？ it looked all wrong。 even when she opened the cover； i thought for one long； bizarre moment that she was going to read—
she tore out pages by the fistful。 she scattered them all over the desk； some slid off； onto the floor。 when she had done with the ripping； she grabbed handfuls of them and screwed them into loose balls。 fast！ she was a whirlwind！ my neat little volumes； suddenly a paper mountain。 to think a book could have so much paper in it！ i wanted to cry out； but what？ all the words； the beautiful words； pulled apart and crumpled up； and i； in the shadows； speechless。
she gathered an armful and released it onto the top of the white blanket in the fireplace。 three times i watched her turn from the desk to the fireplace； her arms full of pages； until the hearth was heaped high with torn…up books。 jane eyre； wuthering heights； the woman in white… balls of paper toppled from the height of the pyre； some rolled as far as the carpet； joining those that she had dropped en route。
one came to a stop at my feet； and silently i dropped down to retrieve it。
oh！ the outrageous sensation of crumpled paper； words gone wild； flying in all directions； senseless。 my heart broke。
anger swept me up； it carried me like a piece of flotsam； unable to see or breathe； it roared like an ocean in my head。 i might have cried out； leaped like a mad thing from my hiding place and struck her； but i had emmeline’s treasure in my arms； and so i stood by and watched； trembling； weeping in silence； as her sister desecrated the treasure that was mine。
at last she was satisfied with her pyre。 yet whichever way you looked at it； the mountain in the hearth was madness itself。 it’s all upside down； the missus would have said； it’ll never light—you want the paper at the bottom。 but even if she had built it properly； it would make no difference。 she couldn’t light it： she had no matches。 and even if she had been able to obtain matches； still she would not achieve her purpose； for the boy； her intended victim； was in my arms。 and the greatest madness of all： supposing i hadn’t been there to stop her？ supposing i hadn’t re