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d the key I d just picked from her jacket pocket； and smiled as I drove away。
7。 Melody That was I had to wait when I got back to school。 The final hour wasn t out yet。 good； because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time。 Her scent lingered in the car。 I kept the windows up； letting it assault me； trying to get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat。 Attraction。 It was a problematic thing to contemplate。 So many sides to it； so many different meanings and levels。 Not the same thing as love； but tied up in it inextricably。 I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me。 （Would her mental silence somehow continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad？ Or was there a limit that I would eventually reach？） I tried to pare her physical responses to others； like the secretary and Jessica Stanley； but the parison was inconclusive。 The same markers changes in heart rate and breathing patterns could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they did interest。 It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughts that Jessica Stanley used to have。 After all； Bella knew very well that there was something wrong with me； even if she didn t know what exactly it was。 She had touched my icy skin； and then yanked her hand away from the chill。 And yet as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me； but remembered them with Bella in Jessica s place I was breathing more quickly； the fire clawing up and down my throat。 What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile body？ Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin？ Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face？ Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips？ Leaning my face closer to
hers； where I could feel the heat of her breath on my mouth？ Moving closer still But then I flinched away from the daydream； knowing； as I had known when Jessica had imagined these things； what would happen if I got that close to her。 Attraction was an impossible dilemma； because I was already too attracted to Bella in the worst way。 Did I want Bella to be attracted to me； a woman to a man？ That was the wrong question。 The right question was should I want Bella to be attracted to me that way； and that answer was no。 Because I was not a human man； and that wasn t fair to her。 With every in my arms fantasies； glowing in fiber of my being； I ached to be a normal man； so that I could hold her without risking her life。 So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies that didn t end in with her blood on my hands； her blood my eyes。 What kind of relationship could I offer her； My pursuit of her was indefensible。 when I couldn t risk touching her？ I hung my head in my hands。 It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole life not even when I was human； as far as I could recall。 When I had been human； my thoughts had all been turned to a soldier s glory。 The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence； and I d been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck I had just vague impressions of those human years； murky memories that faded more with every passing decade。 I remembered my mother most clearly； and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face。 I recalled dimly how much she had hated the future I d raced eagerly toward； praying every night when she said grace at dinner that the horrid war would end I had no memories of another kind of yearning。 Besides my mother s love； there was no other love that had made me wish to stay This was entirely new to me。 I had no parallels to draw； no parisons to make。 I The love I felt for Bella had e purely； but now the waters were muddied。 wanted very much to be able to touch her。 Did she feel the same way？ That didn t matter； I tried to convince myself。 I stared at my white hands； hating their hardness； their coldness； their inhuman strength I jumped when the passenger door opened。 Ha。 Caught you by surprise。 There s a first； Emmett thought as he slid into the seat。 I ll bet Mrs。 Goff thinks you re on drugs； you ve been so erratic lately。 Where were you today？ I was doing good deeds。 Huh？ I chuckled。 Caring for the sick； that kind of thing。
That confused him more； but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car。 Oh。 The girl again？ I grimaced。 This is getting weird。 Tell me about it； I mumbled。 He inhaled again。 Hmm； she does have a quite a flavor； doesn t she？ The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way； an automatic response。 Easy； kid； I m just sayin。 The others arrived then。 Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me； still not over her irritation。 I wondered what her problem was； but all I could hear from her were insults。 I didn t like Jasper s reaction； either。 Like Emmett； he noticed Bella s appeal。 Not that the scent had； for either of them； a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me。 I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them。 Jasper had poor control Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bella s truck key。 I only saw that I was； she said obscurely； as was her habit。 tell me the whys。 This doesn t mean I know； I know。 I ll wait。 It won t be long。 You ll have to I sighed and gave her the key。 I followed her to Bella s house。 The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers； so loud that maybe Bella s human ears couldn t hear the thunder of the truck s engine。 I watched her window； but she didn t e to look out。 Maybe she wasn t there。 There were no thoughts to hear。 It made me sad that I couldn t hear enough even to check on her to make sure she was happy； or safe； at the least。 Alice climbed in the back and we sped home。 The roads were empty； and so it only took a few minutes。 We trooped into the house； and then went to our various pastimes。 Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess； utilizing eight joined boards spread out along the glass back wall and their own plicated set of rules。 They wouldn t let me play； only Alice would play games with me anymore。 Alice went to her puter just around the c